Something to Offend Everyone - Merry Christmas!

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
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Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
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What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
100 people who don't do dick.
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What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
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What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
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What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
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What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
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Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper spray will do that to you ..
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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
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What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe.."
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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
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What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern
USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
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Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

 (source)  unknown

Cheers!