The Outhouse

I received this in an e-mail today and I laughed out loud so I thought it was worth sharing! 

THE OUTHOUSE

 http://www.clipartheaven.com/show/clipart/household/miscellaneous/outhouse-gif.html

 Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"

(source unknown) 

 

Cheers!

Something to Offend Everyone - Merry Christmas!

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
*
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
*
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
*
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
100 people who don't do dick.
*
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
*
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
*
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
*
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
*
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
*
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
*
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
*
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
*
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
*
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
*
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
*
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
*
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper spray will do that to you ..
*
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
*
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
*
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe.."
*
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
*
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern
USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
*
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

 (source)  unknown

Cheers! 
 

Penis Surgery

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.  The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."  The man perks up.  "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."  The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"  "Yes I have," says the man.  "And has she helped you make a decision?"  "Yes" says the man.  "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

 

"We're getting granite counter tops."

(source):  unkown

Cheers!

Chewing Gum Joke

 CHEWING GUM!


An Australian man was having a coffee and
croissants with butter and jam in a cafe
when an American tourist, chewing gum,
sat down next to him.


The Australian politely ignored the American,
who, nevertheless started up a conversation.


The American snapped his gum and said,
'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'


The Australian frowned, annoyed with being
bothered during his breakfast, and replied,
'of course.'


The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't.
In the States, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle them, transform them into
croissants and sell them to Australia .'


The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.


The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with
your bread?' Sighing, the Australian
replied, 'of course.'


Cracking his gum between his teeth, the
American said, 'we don't. In the States,
we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we
put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers
in containers, recycle them, transform them
into jam and sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex
in the States?' The American smiled and said
'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned
closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do
with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down
into chewing gum and sell them to the
United States .
Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?
(source):  unknown

The Outhouse Poem

THE OUTHOUSE POEM


The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.


With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.


He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

(source) unknown

Cheers!