Do my incense-cedars work for Goldman Sachs?

Calocedrus decurrens (California incense-cedar) Photo: Walter Siegmund/Wikimedia

The vigorous determination. The fervent desire to tower over and control all within reach. As far as I know my incense-cedars didn't get any TARP money, but when it comes to the quest for world domination they're in the same league with Goldman Sachs.

Sure, the cedars always drop some tiny cones, but this year they're inundating the garden. The carpet of cones is so thick the ground is invisible. The dog can't step outside without getting cones wedged in her paws.

Rake them up? Tried that. They came back.

Cones cover the area formerly known as The Lawn, as if we went in for xeriscaping with colored rock. That's a look.

To be fair, the cedars are more generous than Goldman Sachs. They didn't muscle ahead of me in line for a Swine Flu shot.

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Grateful Hedge Fund Managers Surprise Citizens in Connecticut Town

GREENWICH, CT (DP) A crowd of almost 100 hedge fund managers congregated at 7 a.m. this morning on a sidewalk across the street from a popular hardware store.

Wearing jeans, Barbour waterproof jackets, and gardening gloves, and carrying Felco pruning tools, they waited together in small groups in the frigid morning air.

Their spokesman, who asked to remain anonymous, explained that the men were offering themselves as free day laborers, to work in local gardens.

"A few of us were talking last week, after the announcement that the Treasury Department wanted to lend our industry one trillion dollars to buy toxic assets. We just couldn't believe we'd be allowed to keep half of the profits, and the losses would be borne by the taxpayers." *

"We decided we wanted to give back to the community somehow, and thought it would be symbolic if we volunteered to shape up the growth assets in our town's gardens."

The citizens of Greenwich responded with enthusiasm to the prospect of free help. A long line of Range Rovers and Suburbans quickly formed at the curb in front of the group, drivers leaning out and calling to the men, often asking for managers from certain hedge funds. The men were loaded in, one or two at a time, depending on how much garden assistance each driver needed, and soon the sidewalk was empty.

*No joke. This is the current policy proposal from the U.S. Treasury Department.