What if John Grisham were a garden writer?

I just finished one of John Grisham's legal thrillers, The Appeal. Gripping, and a change from my steady diet of garden literature.

I wondered why Grisham so often called his novels "The noun" (The Firm, The Client, The Chamber) -- and I also wondered, would he ever set one of his books in the world of horticulture?

If he did, it might sound something like this:

The Greenhouse

Chapter 16

Sam ran down the dirt road, finding his way by the light of the half moon, clutching the seed tray to his chest. The sprouts were all that remained of his years of botanical research on corn.

Was it only two months since George Luger had first visited Sam's University of Mississippi greenhouse lab?

As his feet thudded along the packed dirt, Sam's thoughts went back to the day when he accepted the research grant Luger offered.

What he had not realized until this evening was that Luger was the central actor in a corporate conspiracy that reached from Wall Street to the corn fields of the Midwest. A conspiracy that sought to destroy the hybrid corn Sam had developed.

The sprouts Sam carried were the last survivors of his hybrid corn -- corn that could grow easily without pesticides. This robust hybrid would dramatically increase corn crops all over the world, alleviating mass hunger.

And the pesticide companies wanted his hybrid wiped off the map.

Sam ran on, hoping he was heading for the highway, where he would hitchike into Jackson and find the one man who could help him. He knew the senior Senator from Mississippi, Taylor Thomas, was in Jackson tonight, and as head of the Senate Agriculture Committee he had the power to crush the pesticide companies.

Suddenly Sam was blinded by headlights.

Stop, Sam, boomed a man's voice, Come over here and get in the car.

Sam ran into a ditch at the side of the road, trying to see past the lights and find out who was talking.

Sam, said the voice again, It's Senator Thomas. I've been looking for you. We have to get into town fast.

Sam walked slowly to the car, peering into the darkness.

Hurry Sam, we don't have much time.

As Sam reached the car someone pulled the seed tray away from him. Sam tried to hold on and several seed plugs came away in his hands. Then he felt a sudden pain in the back of his head, and as he fell to the ground he heard the car drive off.

*****

And so, dear reader, what is your Grishamesque conclusion to this story?

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Capitol Bees

Bee hives in the White House kitchen garden. Photo: White House

WASHINGTON (DP) The bee hives in the famed White House kitchen garden received international attention this week at the G20 Pittsburgh Summit.

White House beekeeper collecting honey. Photo: White House

White House beekeeper Charlie Brandts has collected honey from the hives and saved it for special occasions.

The First Lady's gift. Photo: White House

While world leaders gathered for economic discussions at the G20 Pittsburgh Summit, First Lady Michelle Obama acted as hostess to their wives. Her official gift to each wife was a tea set featuring White House honey.

The White House found itself in a sticky situation when the Internet began to buzz with criticism of the gifts. Advocates for bees maintained that the bees had been robbed of their honey.

Photo: Infrogmation

During the G20 Summit meeting insect-rights protesters swarmed the streets of downtown Pittsburgh singing, "All we are saying is give bees a chance", and breaking the windows of florist's shops. Special security units clad in white mesh hoods and white coveralls advanced on them, throwing smoke bombs. The protesters formed one large group and disappeared down a side street.

They were later found milling around in the lobby of the Colony Hotel and were arrested for failing to disperse. Further trouble ensued at the City Jail when the protesters insisted on occupying one holding cell with their female leader.

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Royal tiptoe through the tulips

Tulipa 'Henry Hudson' Photo: Netherlands Flower Bulb Information Center

Prince and Princess of the Netherlands at the White House

WASHINGTON (DP) There are budding rumors about the Dutch royals' recent visit to the White House.

Although the meeting was ostensibly a social call, informed sources report that Prince Willem-Alexander offered economic advice to President Obama, drawing parallels between the recession in the U.S. and the problems suffered in 17th century Holland after the collapse of Tulipomania.

Oddly, the Prince may have proposed a modified version of Tulipomania as a financial cure--suggesting a U.S. stimulus package that would encourage American gardeners to invest in tulip bulbs.

The rumored stimulus package would offer tax credits for households buying over 1,000 tulip bulbs in 2009 and 2010. The Netherlands is the premium wholesale source for tulip bulbs and would benefit from increased sales here.

Agitation is growing in garden centers across the United States, with anxious gardeners demanding to know if there will be a tulip tax credit. American bulb catalogs could not be reached for comment, as their telephone lines are swamped with calls from buyers. Garden tool companies are digging into their lobbying budgets and asking that trowels and dibbers be included in the stimulus package.

Last week in New York the Dutch Princess christened a new tulip 'Henry Hudson'. The orange species tulip, with its ruffled foliage, is a popular arrival on the garden scene, fueling speculation that the Dutch are using 'Henry Hudson' to stir up American consumer support for the tulip stimulus package.

Pressure is on the White House to confirm or deny the stimulus package during this prime time for ordering tulip bulbs. If the question is not resolved promptly the Oval Office faces a near riot when the Garden Writers Association meets for its annual conference next week.

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Arnold the herb Gardenator?

DAVIS (DP) Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger continued down the garden path today. During an appearance in Davis he said that California needed to have a serious discussion about the legalization of marijuana.

Commentators in the smoke-filled rooms of the capitol wondered if this was a strategy to promote interest in what will actually be planted by First Lady Maria Shriver in the forthcoming vegetable garden in Capitol Park in Sacramento. "It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase leafy greens", said Mary Jane, a Sacramento garden expert.

An anonymous source suggested that the Governor made the statement just to gain brownie points with some rural counties.

Arnold and Maria, the First Family of California, now First Gardeners too?

SACRAMENTO (DP) California's popular First Lady, Maria Shriver, is out in front with the Greening the Grounds movement (which promotes sustainable gardening at state and federal buildings around the country).

In March she announced there would be a new fruit and vegetable garden in Capitol Park, which is adjacent to the State Capitol. Famed chef and food activist Alice Waters is helping to plan the water-conserving garden, and installation is expected in May.

Today the gossips in Sacramento's watering holes are chattering about the unexpected involvement of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger with the garden project. The former actor has a history of media-savvy public appearances. Rumor has it he will be staging a dramatic press event for the garden's ground-breaking.

Whisperers in the state capitol say that Schwarzenegger is going to take the green movement one step further. Eschewing gasoline-powered roto-tillers, he is planning to demonstrate his physical prowess by harnessing himself to a wooden plow and personally tilling the soil for the garden.

Pundits think this athletic feat could change Arnold's nickname from the Governator to the Gardenator.

Supreme Court leak: Earth Day review of the separation of powers?

WASHINGTON (DP) News has leaked that the Supreme Court Justices will spend Earth Day together, digging into the constitutional issues involved with the "greening" of the White House. A reliable source said this meeting would not be a garden-variety gathering of the Justices, but would take place sub rosa.

There are budding concerns about recent congressional support for sustainable gardening practices at the White House. Congress provided seed money to purchase sheep for the White House lawn, and it set up committees to work in the White House vegetable garden. This congressional intervention with the Executive Mansion may have violated the separation of powers dictated by the U.S. Constitution.

An informal judicial review could be an effective way to get to the roots of the tangled relationship between the legislative and executive branches.

It is hoped that the Court's meeting will not become an occasion for raking up dormant disagreements about constitutional law. The Justices typically clump together at opposite ends of the judicial spectrum, and they may have to be lifted and divided in order to find common ground.

The Court's Public Information Officer refused to comment on the Earth Day meeting, and it is entirely possible that this leaked story is simply a plant.

Taxonomy

Garden Dictionary definition:

tax-on-o-my   

pronunciation: tak-son-uh-mee

noun

1. The practice of classifying plants according to their presumed natural relationships.

2. Slang. the practice of classifying gardeners according to their presumed natural relationships to money. In the United States the classification is done annually in mid-April. Economists have noted a concurrent drop in sales at garden centers when this classification occurs.

Congress to Buy Sheep for the White House Lawn

WASHINGTON (DP) Sheep may safely graze on the White House lawn for the first time since the Wilson administration.

Congress shepherded in a special financial allocation for the purchase of sheep to crop and fertilize the lawn at the Executive Mansion. The use of sheep will eliminate the need for gasoline-powered lawn mowers and petroleum-based fertilizers.

The Congressional bipartisan, ad hoc committees formed last month to support the White House vegetable garden have been a resounding success. Starting today, two new committees will expand the scope of Congressional aid to the White House grounds.

Organic Lawn

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA)

Sheep

Rep. Doug Lamborn (R-CO)

Rep. Lynn Woolsey (D-CA)

Sen. Grassley has promised there will be no turf wars at the Organic Lawn committee meetings.

The vegetable garden committees established a few weeks ago are still accepting new members.

The Sheep committee, however, is being quite selective and turned down an application from Rep. Frank Wolf (R-VA).

Grateful Hedge Fund Managers Surprise Citizens in Connecticut Town

GREENWICH, CT (DP) A crowd of almost 100 hedge fund managers congregated at 7 a.m. this morning on a sidewalk across the street from a popular hardware store.

Wearing jeans, Barbour waterproof jackets, and gardening gloves, and carrying Felco pruning tools, they waited together in small groups in the frigid morning air.

Their spokesman, who asked to remain anonymous, explained that the men were offering themselves as free day laborers, to work in local gardens.

"A few of us were talking last week, after the announcement that the Treasury Department wanted to lend our industry one trillion dollars to buy toxic assets. We just couldn't believe we'd be allowed to keep half of the profits, and the losses would be borne by the taxpayers." *

"We decided we wanted to give back to the community somehow, and thought it would be symbolic if we volunteered to shape up the growth assets in our town's gardens."

The citizens of Greenwich responded with enthusiasm to the prospect of free help. A long line of Range Rovers and Suburbans quickly formed at the curb in front of the group, drivers leaning out and calling to the men, often asking for managers from certain hedge funds. The men were loaded in, one or two at a time, depending on how much garden assistance each driver needed, and soon the sidewalk was empty.

*No joke. This is the current policy proposal from the U.S. Treasury Department.

Congressional Support for the White House Vegetable Garden

First Lady in the White House garden. Photo: The White House

The South Lawn of the White House. Photo: Stockxpert

WASHINGTON (DP) In an unexpected move this morning, several members of Congress announced they would be working in the new vegetable garden at the White House.

First Lady Michelle Obama and local school children broke ground for the South Lawn garden on March 20, and the project has received widespread public support. A surge of interest in kitchen gardens has swept the country this winter, with seed companies running out of popular vegetable varieties. The current White House garden plan incorporates vegetables, edible and ornamental flowers, and herbs.

Senators and Representatives have formed ad hoc, bipartisan committees to assist with specific aspects of the garden, and to explore future additions. The initial committee assignments are:

Summer vegetables

Rep. Melissa Bean (D-IL)

Winter vegetables

Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-ME)

Flowers

Rep. Bill Posey (R-FL)

Herbs

Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC)

Fruit

Rep. Marion Berry (D-AK)

Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD)

Rep. Ander Crenshaw (R-FL)

Rep. Joe Pitts (R-PA)

Pest control

Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC)

Rep. Phil Hare (D-IL)

Rep. Marcy Kaptur (D-OH)

Rep. Louise Slaughter (R-NY)

Subcommittee on beneficial insects for pest control

Sen. Jim Webb (D-VA)

Subcommittee on use of ducks for pest control

Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT)

Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV)

Soil

Rep. Lacy Clay (D-MO)

Organic practices

Rep. Al Green (D-TX)

Irrigation

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-CA)

The committee members denied they were jumping on the bandwagon of a popular program, and insisted they had been eating fresh fruits and vegetables with their constituents for many years.

© Daffodil Planter 2009. All rights reserved.

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Bush and Obama in White House Vegetable Garden Crisis

WASHINGTON (DP) Rumors of an open clash between President George W. Bush and President-elect Barack Obama were confirmed this morning. The nation learned for the first time that both are experienced gardeners, with conflicting views.

The two men had planned a joint announcement today at 11 a.m. EST regarding the new organic vegetable garden on the White House grounds. As journalists approached the section of the South Lawn designated for the announcement, they heard raised voices from Bush and Obama, and could make out a few words.

"Double-digging? Man, this is the 21st century!"

"That's how I do it on my ranch and I won a blue ribbon for pole beans!"

The press conference was abruptly cancelled. Although photographers were rushed away before they could take pictures, they did see the two men struggling over a shovel.

The transition between the administrations had gone smoothly, beginning with the cordial reception the Obamas received on their first visit to the White House, but has now hit an ugly patch.

Reliable sources from the West Wing and the Obama team say they are working toward a reconciliation in time for the inauguration ceremony on January 20, and are considering various intermediaries. Jimmy Carter may be brought in, and it is expected that internationally-known gardening expert Penelope Hobhouse will arrive from England within a few hours.

On Inauguration Day the President-elect and Mrs. Obama will have coffee at the White House before they are driven to the Capitol with the President and First Lady. Conversation is sure to be strained and there are hopes that sensitive subjects, such as the probable date of the last frost in Washington, D.C., can be avoided.

Garden Nomenclature

This is the season for dreaming by the fire with seed catalogs. Are you baffled by some of the catalog Latin lingo? Here's a quick guide:

1. Genus is in Capitalized italics
   
2. Species is in lower case italics
3. Variety can include size, color, habit or more. The variety is often in 'single quotation marks', especially if it is named after a person or place.
   
4. The catalog then often adds the common name, commentary, and suggestions for companion plantings.

For an example, let's look at a humorous listing from a mock nursery catalog put out by Shady Deals Nursery:

Colocasia esculenta 'Pelosii' (Nancy's Revenge Elephant's Ear) $5,000. A real first of its kind! While we find this attractive, we've also found it to be quite aggressive and very detrimental to nearby bushes, so watch it closely. A superb choice for the West Coast.